I offer couples therapy for new or expectant parents, as this is such a crucial and sometimes difficult transition that needs support

When becoming parents changes your relationship

Having a baby can be one of the most significant changes a couple goes through. It can bring enormous love and joy, but it can also bring exhaustion, resentment, uncertainty and a sense that the relationship you had before has somehow disappeared.

You might find yourselves arguing about things that never used to matter. One of you may feel unsupported, while the other feels that nothing you do is ever enough. You may be keeping score of who did the last feed, who got up in the night, who has had a break — or who seems to have sacrificed more. You might still love each other deeply, but feel more like co-parents than partners.

Or perhaps something more fundamental has changed. Your experience of pregnancy, birth or early parenthood may have been frightening or traumatic, and you are both struggling with the impact it has had on you and your relationship.

You don't have to wait until your relationship is in crisis before getting help.

I offer couples therapy in Liverpool and online for partners who are struggling to find their way back to each other after becoming parents.

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Why can having a baby be so hard on a relationship?

Becoming parents doesn't just add a baby to your existing relationship. It changes your roles, routines, priorities, identities and expectations. There may suddenly be very little time to talk, rest or be together. Sleep deprivation can make small frustrations feel enormous. You may have very different ideas about how to parent, or different expectations about what family life would look like. And underneath the practical disagreements there can be much more vulnerable feelings:

"I'm doing this on my own."

"You don't appreciate everything I do."

"I don't feel like myself anymore."

"I'm scared I'm failing."

"I don't feel wanted by you anymore."

"I don't know how to help you."

"I miss us."

Sometimes couples become caught in a cycle where the more one person reaches for reassurance, help or connection, the more overwhelmed or criticised the other feels. They withdraw, become defensive or focus on practical solutions, which can leave their partner feeling even more alone. Over time, the original problem can become less important than the pattern the couple has become stuck in.

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When you're arguing about the baby, but the real issue is your relationship

Many couples come to therapy because they can't agree about something practical: Who does more with the baby? How should we respond when the baby cries?​ Why aren't we having sex? Who gets time to themselves?​ Why don't you ever ask how I am? These things matter. But often there is another conversation underneath them.

One partner may be saying, "I need you to help me", while the other hears, "You're not good enough."

One may be saying, "I miss you", while the other hears, "I'm failing you."

One may be saying, "I need you to notice what I'm carrying", while the other is thinking, "I am trying as hard as I can."

Couples therapy can help you slow these conversations down and understand what is happening underneath the argument — so that you can begin responding to each other rather than fighting against each other.

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When birth has been traumatic

Sometimes the difficulties in a relationship after having a baby are connected to what happened during pregnancy, birth or the early days of parenthood. A difficult or traumatic birth can affect either or both partners. You might experience intrusive memories, anxiety, anger, guilt, fear or a strong need to stay in control. You might find that talking about the birth leads to conflict because you experienced it very differently from your partner. Perhaps one of you feels that what happened was traumatic while the other doesn't understand why it continues to affect you. Or perhaps your partner is struggling too, but neither of you has had the space to talk about it.

When trauma remains unresolved, it can affect intimacy, communication, parenting and the sense of safety within a relationship. Alongside couples therapy, I can draw on my experience as an EMDR therapist to help explore whether trauma-focused work may be appropriate.

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When you've lost your sense of being a couple

It is very common for new parents to feel that their relationship has moved into the background. You may barely have a conversation that isn't about the baby. You may have stopped doing the things that made you feel like you. Sex and physical affection may have changed or disappeared. You may be sleeping separately, constantly exhausted, or simply getting through each day.

And sometimes the hardest part is that you don't know how to get back to the relationship you had before. You don't necessarily need to recreate your old relationship because becoming parents changes you. Couples therapy can help you work out what you want your relationship to look like now.

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What happens in couples therapy?

There isn't a standard formula for couples therapy because every relationship is different.

We'll start by understanding what has brought you to therapy, what has changed since becoming parents and what you each hope will be different. We'll look at the patterns you get caught in — particularly the moments when conversations escalate, shut down or go nowhere. We'll explore what is happening underneath those patterns, including your individual experiences, family backgrounds, expectations of parenthood and the vulnerabilities that can make certain interactions particularly painful.

The aim isn't to decide who is right. It's to help you understand each other well enough to try something different.

You might be at very different points - one of you might desperately want couples therapy while the other is unsure.

You might both want things to improve but have different ideas about what needs to change. You might even be wondering whether you want to stay together.

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Therapy can provide a space to understand what is happening between you and work out what you each need, without having to arrive with a ready-made answer. Depending on what you need, I draw on Systemic Family Practice, couples therapy approaches, Dramatherapy and EMDR to help you explore both the relationship and the experiences that may be affecting it.

We meet for an hour and baby is welcome to join us, or you may want to sort childcare so you can concentrate. Sessions are £150 for an hour (£200 after 7pm - limited availability) and can be held in person in South Liverpool or online.

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You don't need to have all the answers or understanding before reaching out for help. Book a free initial consultation to see if work with me might be helpful.

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