Discernment Work when Considering Separation

I offer a short discernment intervention that helps you get clarity on whether you should stay together and work on the relationship, or begin the process of separation

Sometimes a couple arrives at therapy with very different feelings about the relationship. One person may be thinking, “I want us to work this out,” while the other is thinking, “I don’t know if I want to be in this relationship anymore.”

When that happens, ordinary couples therapy can feel like the wrong starting point. Discernment work gives you some space to slow things down and understand what is happening before deciding what kind of help you need.

The aim is not to persuade you to stay together or to separate. It is to help you reach a clearer, more confident decision about your next step.

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You do not have to arrive knowing whether your relationship will survive. You also do not have to promise to stay together.

We will explore three possible directions:

1 — Stay the course - Remain together for now without committing to structured couples therapy.

2 — Separate - Move towards separation or ending the relationship, with support to do this as thoughtfully as possible.

3 — Make a genuine attempt - Commit to a defined period of couples therapy—typically around six months—with the intention of genuinely finding out whether the relationship can change.

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Choosing the third path does not guarantee that you will stay together. It means you are willing to give the relationship a fair and serious attempt before making a final decision.

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Important suitability considerations

Just as in the original model of discernment counselling, this work is not intended as “closure counselling” where one partner has already made a final decision to leave and wants the therapist to help the other accept it.

Life couples therapy, this work is not appropriate if there is significant coercive control, intimidation, stalking, fear of retaliation, acute violence risk, or a situation in which conjoint work is likely to increase danger.

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My process is as follows:

Initial call

• Joint conversation - this explains the process and assesses suitability with a screening questionnaire.

• Individual conversations to screen for safety, with an additional questionnaire to complete.

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Initial session (120mins)

• Joint conversation including doing a 'stay or leave' scale

• Individual conversations - 

• We will bring the important themes back together and look at the pattern that has developed between you.

• We will explore the three possible paths.

• You will decide what feels like the most appropriate next step—or what you still need to understand.

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Next steps

• From this extended session we then decide next steps. You may want to space this out into 3 sessions - one together, and one each individually. Alternatively, following the extended session, you may want to complete another joint session and/or individual sessions. The maximum number of sessions is 5 and an equal number of individual sessions will be offered.

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It can be difficult to speak honestly about doubts, fears and hopes when your partner is sitting beside you. Private time allows each person to think and speak more freely. I will not repeat everything you say word-for-word to your partner. I may share themes, patterns or clinical reflections that help both of you understand the relationship more clearly. At the beginning of the session, we will discuss confidentiality and its limits. As with any therapy, confidentiality cannot override concerns about serious risk, abuse or safeguarding.

We will explore questions such as what makes you want to stay/leave? What is the pattern you are in and what is your role in that? What have you tried and what has helped or made things worse? What do you think is your partners' experience?
 

​If there has been a betrayal such as infidelity, we may explore the injury, what happened, what each person needs to understand, and what would have to change for rebuilding trust to be possible. If you choose a structured repair process, more detailed work on the injury can then happen within couples therapy.​

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What this is not:

It is not a marriage-saving technique.

It is not a way to persuade the “leaning-out” partner to stay.

It is not individual therapy disguised as couples therapy.

It is not mediation or legal advice.

It is not about deciding who is the “good” or “bad” partner.

It is not necessarily about fixing the relationship during the first session.

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You do not need to perform certainty in this process. You are allowed to be conflicted, hopeful, angry, frightened, loving, exhausted or unsure. The purpose of discernment is to make room for that complexity while helping you decide what you are genuinely willing to do next.

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Pricing

Initial Session (120mins) - £275 (only delivered in the day time - from 8.30am - last session slot starting at 3.15pm)

Subsequent individual/joint sessions charged at my usual rate (£125 individual/£150 couples before 7pm; £175/£200 respectively after 7pm).

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This support is informed by the discernment work model developed by William J. Doherty and colleagues at the University of Minnesota. It has been adapted for this practice and is not the official Minnesota Couples on the Brink protocol. It incorporates other ideas from systemic family practice and Dramatherapy, as well as couples therapy theories.

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