Opposites Attract but Differences Destroy?

How do we manage differences in relationships?

A key part of a healthy relationship is realising that we are two different people. Different wants, needs, interests and opinions.

In the heady early days of a relationship, we can feel like we are one person - intertwined and so in sync. It can be parallelled with early childhood development. When babies are born they don't realise they are a separate entity, they think they are the same thing as the birthing parent. When they start reaching out to touch this 'other' face, recognising the boundaries of their own bodies and eventually that Mum can leave and I can survive, it is a huge step in development.

Over time, couples need to realise they are separate. Ellyn Bader at the couples institute talks about this process of differentiation as key. She says:

“Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of looking inside and defining yourself, revealing yourself, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety of either risking more intimacy or potential separation or distance. Many of us fear that if we are truthful and reveal ourselves, it will threaten the relationship and the partner will be upset and abandon us. Differentiation has to do with the willingness to risk, to grow, to challenge ourselves and our partners, and this is directly related to the amount of vitality that is in our relationship.” The Couples Institute® 2020-2025, adapted by Katherine Waddell, LMFT.

As Bader notes, it can be extremely scary to show our true selves. I would venture that most of us have experiences where our true self was not accepted, to varying degrees of severity, but often at a young age when we are forming our identity. We learn to adapt, to mask, to be selective with who we reveal ourselves to. This can be healthy and smart; it can also lead to a lack of vulnerability and limit intimacy.

Often, the issue with differences in relationships, is not actually the fault of the difference itself. Perhaps Sally is gregarious, an extrovert, and likes socialising to fill up her tank. Her partner Harry is more introverted, likes one to one interactions and time alone to fill his tank. These differences are fine. The potential clash comes when the story we tell about these differences becomes entrenched. If Sally believes that Harry isn't putting in effort with her friends because he doesn't actually care about her, and his need for alone time is a rejection, then she will feel hurt and seek to change his behaviours to ease her fears. Similarly, if he believes that her need for socialising is because he is not enough for her, and that her attempts to get him to socialise are a dismissal of his needs (that, by the way, she clearly doesn't care about) then he will feel insecure and uncared for. His reactions to her requests are likely to be more spikey, which will affect her reactions to him, and so on.

Instead, if both partners can be allowed space for their differences to breathe, they will each feel more fulfilled. They can, of course, express their feelings - for example - 'I feel sad when you aren't with me at social events, because part of me feels that they symbolise success or closeness in a relationship. I can see that we have closeness in other ways and are doing well as a couple, but that feeling can make me feel insecure'. Or 'I feel overwhelmed by social interactions and guilty that I don't want to go, but then resentful for that feeling, which makes me withdraw. I need to be OK with saying no and dealing with the ensuing feelings, as well as recognising that you just want to be with me because you like me'.

If we can be differentiated, there is a level of confidence and self-assuredness in our identity, wants and opinions. This is something that can be rare, and levels of insecurity are super common. As I write this, I am realising where I like self-differentiation, and am affected by my husband's wants over my own. Self-defining and knowing what I want can be tricky for me at times. That is my work to do, not my husbands'.

As it is so common, that should reduce the shame around these topics. We are smart, compassionate, reflective individuals who know these things in theory. We are also humans who had imperfect childhood attachments, friendship and relationship experiences. To varying degrees, we can struggle with our interpretations of words and actions. We can feel flooded and at risk in situations that aren't actually risky. This is our threat system doing its thing - picking up on micro facial expressions, tones and previous experiences that did not feel safe. It is before our logical brain can chime in. Before we know it, we have reacted and a cycle can be set off.

You can do this work by yourself if you feel up to it - here are some reflective questions you can begin asking yourself:

• What situations usually set of a negative cycle of responses?

• What do I usually do that contributes to this?

• What is the feeling under the reaction? What is the story I am telling myself about what it means?

• (if relevant) What does my partner do in response? What story could they be telling?

Therapy can also be a great place for noticing our patterns and finding new stories instead of the old worn ones. This is not quick fix work. Noticing is one part. Then building in regulation skills when our reptile brain responds automatically. Finding new scripts and ways of staying connected despite feeling under threat. Deciding, together, to do things differently and then experimenting with different ways of doing this.

Get in touch if you want to find more about couples or individual therapy via the Book Online tab.