Birth trauma and Relationships

Birth trauma is a scary and overwhelming event for the parent going through it, as

well as the other parent. It affects people in a myriad of ways. Here I am going to

speak to some of the relational difficulties that might occur, what to be aware of and

how to help heal these ruptures. I would always recommend talking with a therapist,

but you may feel ready to have some of these conversations between you – or this

list may help you recognise what is going on and feel less alone.

Emotional Strain

• Increased anxiety or depression: One or both partners may experience

mental health struggles that affect their ability to connect emotionally.

• PTSD symptoms: Flashbacks, nightmares, or hypervigilance can disrupt

everyday life and closeness.

• Guilt or blame: The birthing parent may blame themselves, or the partner

may feel guilty for being unable to help more during the birth.

• Unresolved grief: If the trauma involved loss or near loss, the couple may

experience prolonged grief that’s hard to express together.

Communication Challenges

• Avoidance of difficult topics: Partners may avoid discussing the trauma,

leading to emotional distance.

• Misunderstandings: Different experiences and interpretations of the birth

can lead to disconnect.

• Increased conflict: Tension and emotional overload can lead to more

frequent arguments or irritability.

Physical & Sexual Intimacy

• Fear of physical closeness: The birthing partner may struggle with body

image or physical pain, making intimacy difficult.

• Loss of sexual desire: Both partners may experience decreased libido due

to stress, exhaustion, or emotional distance.

• Triggers during intimacy: Certain physical sensations or positions may

trigger memories of the trauma.

Parental Roles & Identity

• Role confusion: One partner may take on a heavier load due to the other's

physical or emotional recovery, causing imbalance.

• Resentment or burnout: Unequal caregiving or emotional labour can lead to

resentment.

• Loss of identity: Struggling to adjust to parenthood (even if you have older

children) while processing trauma can affect self-esteem and partnership

dynamics.

Attachment & Bonding

• Delayed bonding with baby: Trauma may interrupt early bonding, causing

stress or guilt that affects the relationship.

• Overprotection or detachment: One or both parents may overcompensate

in parenting roles, affecting their connection with each other.

Lack of Support & Isolation

• Feeling misunderstood by others: If friends and family don’t understand the

trauma, couples may feel isolated or shamed.

• Difficulty seeking help: Shame or stigma may prevent reaching out to

professionals – or even to each other.

• Drift from social circles: Trauma can cause withdrawal from support

systems, increasing reliance (and pressure) on the partner.

Healing Together or Apart

• Different coping styles: One partner may want to talk, while the other

prefers distraction or silence, causing tension.

• Impact on future family planning: Fear of another traumatic experience may

lead to disagreements about having more children.

• Potential for growth: With support, couples can develop deeper empathy,

resilience, and intimacy through recovery.

This last point is key: the trauma does not have to define you. It is likely to be life

changing but this can be in a positive or productive way.

In our resource section there is a simple, practical resource full of techniques you

can use here and now to start reconnecting and healing ruptures following birth

trauma. Click the link here for Simple Techniques to Heal Relationship Ruptures After

Birth Trauma.

Another technique to help the trauma to feel less overwhelming is to imagine it as an

object or character. For example, perhaps you see the trauma as a big wave that is

angry and aggressive, raging and with a threat of drowning you. It feels too big and scary to approach, it is unknown and perhaps it is between you and your partner –

you are looking at each other from a distance, you can’t hear each other over the

crashing waves. Perhaps as you explore this image, you realise that your partner is

feeling similar – scared, intimidated, lost. Perhaps you recall a time when you saw a

calm sea; it felt soothing and inviting – very different to how it feels now. Perhaps

you can see the raging sea as a place where you can scream and cry and let all your

feelings out – it can absorb and accept all of it. These illustrations are examples of

how starting to distance ourselves from the trauma, looking at it differently, can allow

us to consider our relationship to it being different too. We can find ways to see our

partner as separate from the trauma – together with you on the shore, perhaps – and

you can hopefully remember your connection and relationship before this trauma.

This, in and of itself, is not the only thing that will help; but it can be a start to finding

your way through and back to each other. This is something that could be further

explored in therapy, giving space to understand and communicate the inner world

with your partner.

Depending on where you live, there are Perinatal Mental Health Teams available via the NHS - you can be referred in by medical professionals so please reach out to your GP, Midwife or Health Visitor to see what support is available in your area.