Simple Techniques to Heal Relationship Ruptures After Birth Trauma

Healing relationship ruptures after birth trauma is possible—though it often takes time, patience, and intentional effort. Here are some simple, practical techniques you can use to begin repairing connection and supporting each other.

[These are not exhaustive or a replacement for professional help.]

Healing relational ruptures post birth trauma is possible

🗣 1. Schedule Gentle Check-ins

• What it is: Set aside 10–15 minutes regularly (daily or weekly) to ask each other, “How are you really feeling?”

• Why it helps: Creates a safe space to talk without pressure, reducing emotional buildup and miscommunication.

  
  

📝 2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements

• What it is: Say things like “I feel overwhelmed when…” instead of “You never help with…”

• Why it helps: Reduces defensiveness and allows for more honest, respectful conversations.

🧠 3. Learn Each Other’s Coping Styles

• What it is: Talk about how each of you processes stress (e.g., talking it out vs. needing space). If you are unsure, spend some time reflecting on what you tend to do when things get too much.

• Why it helps: Increases compassion and avoids misunderstandings about avoidance or emotional shutdown.

💞 4. Focus on Micro-Connections – and attempt to notice bids for these

• What it is: Small, positive moments—like a hug, holding hands, making tea for each other, or saying “thank you.”

• Why it helps: These small gestures build a foundation of safety and emotional closeness.

📚 5. Normalize the Trauma (Without Minimizing It)

• What it is: Remind each other that birth trauma is not rare and struggling after it doesn’t mean failure.

• Why it helps: Reduces shame and opens the door to healing together instead of in isolation.

🧘‍♀️ 6. Practice Grounding Together

• What it is: Try a simple breathing exercise together, like inhaling for 4 counts, holding for 4, exhaling for 4.

• Why it helps: Calms the nervous system and increases connection through co-regulation. This is also powerful for babies and children to experience too.

🛏 7. Redefine Intimacy Beyond Sex

• What it is: Cuddle, lie next to each other, share a massage, or just talk in bed—without pressure for sex. Discuss and name this.

• Why it helps: Restores physical closeness in ways that feel safe and healing.

🧠 8. Seek Support (Individually and Together)

• What it is: Talk to a trauma-informed therapist, birth debrief specialist or join a support group.

• Why it helps: Outside support can help you make sense of the trauma and communicate more clearly with each other – and with your wider support system.

📅 9. Create a “Pause Plan” for Conflict

• What it is: Agree on a way to pause arguments (e.g., “Let’s take 10 minutes”) when things get heated. Make sure you do return to the conversation, even if it is to say you need a bit more time.

• Why it helps: Prevents hurtful words and allows time to cool down and return to the issue calmly.

❤️ 10. Reflect on What You’ve Survived

• What it is: Acknowledge how hard it's been—and that you're still here, trying together. This is not insignificant.

• Why it helps: Celebrating resilience can restore a sense of teamwork and shared purpose.

This is not an exhaustive list but a starting point and there is a strong chance one or both of you will need support to process the traumatic event. Do reach out for professional support if things feel overwhelming, you are unsure where to start or if things feel hopeless.