Internal Family Systems in couples therapy

Internal Family Systems (IFS) – what is it?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a model of working developed by Richard Schwartz

and gaining recognition as an evidence base for helping with a variety of needs. At

its core, it is the idea that we have lots of different parts of ourselves, all of which

develop to keep us safe. Some of these ways that we try and keep ourselves safe

may have been useful at one point but perhaps are now holding us back. There are parts we try suppress because they feel too painful (exiles), there are parts that are reactive in stopping you feeling painful emotions/accessing the exiled parts (firefighters) and there are parts that keep you busy and distracted from feeling painful emotions (managers).

A visual representation of some of the parts in IFS [Image from www.intensivetherapyretreat.com/]

For example, if we were physically abused if we spoke back to caregivers, we might

have developed the idea that we can’t speak up for ourselves or state our opinions

or needs. Whilst this idea might have kept us safer in childhood, as an adult it

becomes problematic – for example, when we disagree with something someone is

saying, we may feel the need to stay quiet but then feel unheard and regretful or

resentful. IFS helps us to see these coping mechanisms as parts of ourselves, so

that we can get to know what that part needs, what it is trying to protect us from, and

how to help it feel safer and calmer. In this example, we could imagine this part as

an assertive child, putting a hand over the mouth and almost physically restraining

you when there is a desire to speak. They might be hypervigilant – always looking for

things that might be dangerous, thinking that staying small and quiet is the key to

staying safe. They may need to know that you are now an adult, that you are not at

risk of physical abuse, that being heard can be empowering and safe.

If you have seen Inside Out, this is a pretty good representation of the parts idea –

especially in the 2nd film, with the anxious part: the intention of anxiety is to protect

and keep safe, but it can go into overdrive and make us dysfunctional. The solution

isn’t to get rid of this anxious part, but to understand and calm it, so we can utilise it

in a useful and appropriate way.

How do we use IFS in couples work?

Once we have an idea of which parts each person holds, we can start to see what they are triggered by. They are usually formed from relational experiences, so it makes sense that they get triggered by relational experiences. When we can see that a certain part of our partner is being triggered and therefore reacting a certain way, we can bring curiosity and compassion to that part. Sometimes it is easier when we see this part as younger, scared or vulnerable - especially if we feel hurt by our partners. It brings distance from the problem that we feel stuck in. This method does not excuse abusive or disrespectful behaviour, and there is always an onus on each person to apologise, and try to do things differently. But once we bring awareness to these different parts, there can be real growth. It can bring lightness and humour in the middle of conflict, as well as a shared language to understand what is going on.

In terms of how we use this method in practice, we might invite you to draw the different parts of self or pick objects to represent them - or simply identify them in your mind. We might try and have a conversation with a part of you (it might sound strange, but it can be incredibly powerful) to understand what it needs, how we can help it and what it thinks. We might get a part from one of you to speak to a part in your partner. We share the language and tools to 'go there' and only go as far as it makes sense for you and feels useful. It is one technique that we might use within couples or individual work.

For further information about Internal Family Systems please visit https://ifs-institute.com/ or https://internalfamilysystemstraining.co.uk/